The Spires - You Got What You Want

“Life is shit, life is beautiful”

Today was my second day back at school, after a 6 week winter break. A pretty darn good winter break, too. I think it was the most in love with Lompoc I’ve ever been. Half of the time I was alone and bored out of my mind, but the other half definitely made it all okay. In any case, I was feeling really refreshed and excited to come back to school, ready for classes, ready to see friends. But now that I’m here, I honestly feel like doodoo. I’m not exactly sure why, so I’m gonna try and sort that out in this post.

I have two mindsets; one is my Lompoc mindset, the other is my “in college” mindset. Lompoc mindset = not really ambitious, definitely cynical but somehow content with life, as long as I have good internet, good friends, and can do stuff outdoors. “In college” mindset = there’s so much you could do! you have no limits other than how hard you want to work! try new things! study! push yourself!

For most of my life, I kind of just went with the flow (Lompoc mindset). Then I left everything I knew and came to Lawrence and really truly grasped the reality of the phrase “Anything is possible”. I became really excited at all the possibilities, at all the potential I had never thought I had. I pushed myself to do well in class and to join groups and meet new people. Things were wonderful, I was happy, the “in college” mindset was great! Of course, it’s not like the Lompoc mindset was completely extirpated from my brain (probably didn’t use that word right but I wanted to use it anyway). I was always fighting against laziness and the urge to basically coast through life.

However, I think the novelty of the “in college” mindset is wearing off, and that combined with my long and leisurely stay in Lompoc is what’s making me feel…blehhh. Kind of since January 1st I guess, I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do with my life. Do I really want to constantly be pushing myself? If I have to push myself, is it going against who I really am?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being depressed because I know I’m lazy and that it’s going to be a struggle to do well this term. I have two classes in subjects I’ve never taken classes in before, one of which is basically everything I suck at combined into 6 units (lots of dense reading, lots of papers, lots of in-class discussion, with a scary professor to top it off).

Sigh. I think I need to just shut up and do the work. Because regardless of what I want, I’m finishing college goddammit! In my mind there’s no question about that. And I want to do well in college, so just do the work! I was lazy and apathetic for the first 18 years of my life, I think I can stand 4 years of frickin hard work.

Also:

Stop even thinking about what other people think about you!

Eat healthy and get 8 hours of sleep every night!

Why not prevent a lot of stress in your life and be proactive when it comes to keeping in touch with friends and finding jobs/internships!

Just be yourself, criminy!

Ok. This post is done. I feel better. I’m gonna go study now.